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Lasting a Lifetime...Minus Forever [entries|friends|calendar]

About Me

At the moment I'm about 5'3. Shoulder length brown hair with some blue underneath and blue eyes. I am a complete goof sometimes and I love to make people laugh. I'm always up for trying new things and even if i don't succeed I'll still make you laugh in the process :)


alcohol. angelina jolie. love. body mod. bon fires. brody dalle. bruises. chocolate. computers. cruising. cuddling. distillers. drawing. dreaming. drums. eyes. fire. friends. fun. funny people. going out. gum. handcuffs. hanging out. metal. honesty. hoodies. hugs. ink. insiders. joey jordison. kisses. kurt cobain. laughing. lips. lollipops. loud music. marilyn manson. marilyn monroe. mohawks. movies. msn. music. nu-metal.partying. photographs. piercings. poetry. punk. rise against. rock. sharpies. shopping. ska. sleeping. sublime. sunsets. tattoos. tongue rings. writing

Bands Ive Seen Live

System Of A Down, Thousand Foot Krutch, The Mars Volta, Hella, Deftones, Thrice, Atreyu, Thursday, As I Lay Dying, Silverstein, Dredg, Broke, Adair, Greely Estates, Street Drum Corps, The Smashup, Arch Enemy, Chimaira, God Forbid

sites to check out

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My Number 23 [Tuesday, September 4th, 2007 11:31pm]
Whew...haven't posted in this thing in forever....might as well make use of it while I'm in the mood I guess. I just got this idea...and I went with it, didn't amount to much, but I can always add to it later right.

(*hint*: Think the movie "The Number 23")


[Thursday, January 5th, 2006 12:50pm]
[ mood | lookin for love ]

Well the break is almost over...3 and a half days left of freedom before it's back to the grind. I really don't get school...like...there really is no point in trying hard if you think about it. As long as you pass, you pass...someone that gets a 95% is still going to pass the same way as someone with a 55% is going to pass...there are no perks, no nothing. It's so pointless...
Well I hung out with John again like a week ago, we went to his place and sorta watched Four Brothers and then some Family Guy. It was a nice night. It was really cute we were just lying there and he was looking at me and then he was just like "i like you". It was cute in my opinion, lol. So yeah...we just hung out at his place. I dunno where it is this is going to end up...which's kinda bugging me. Usually I can just go along for the ride, see where it all ends up...like look at Dave and Francois...That was a long ride. But I dont know...like it's bothering me because I do like the guy...and if this is gunna go no further...then i need to not like him anymore than I do...cuz then it's just gunna hurt when I find out that it's all going nowhere. He's really awesome though...lol, when we left his place that night he held my hand to the car. I dunno...honestly...little things get me the most, they really do. Cuz no one I've been with has really taken the time to do any of the little things. Then comes along this guy that's like everything I ever missed out on and it's just amazing. And he smells like....orgasmic, haha.
I was talking to Cody about how to ask him pretty much what he wants out of me and him...but without seeming to pushy or too blunt. So me and cody...being the people we are, make up all these plans and stuff...it was more for entertainment than an answer, but still. So anyways, a few days later, I was bored so I told John to ask me a question and then he's like "fine...I'll drop the bomb" and then he asks me the EXACT question I was gunna ask him, but in the blunt way that i wasnt sure he'd take okay...hahaha, i thought it was hilarious. he's just like "honestly, what do you want out of you and me?" and i answered and then i asked him and he said he wants to be more than friends but he has such little time. But there's a plus side to that...he's got a job interview for Tuesday...so then he'll just be working that job, and OBO if im not mistaken. So atleast then he'll know his schedule I'm guessing.
I know I'm getting ahead of myself here...but I would really love for something to work out between us. He's an awesome guy and I do like him...and I dont understand why he's single, he deserves someone that'll be there to make him happy n stuff.
I was supposed to see him the other night, but he ended up having to do more work and then my rents said they didnt want me going to his place alone anymoer. So i came home n told them how that's stupid cuz i've never given them a reason not to trust me, and i've gone there before...so it's pretty pointless to say now i can't go to where i've already gone before with permission. So after a big long intense discussion, it all came down to they just wanna meet the guy...cuz I'm going across town with him to his place and they've never even seen his face. All they know is his name and that he drives, lol. So yeah...i think he'd do fine with a first impression with them. Cuz yeah they were saying that if he comes in and they dont hate him then he'd probly be fine with me going there. And he seems to be good with first impressions...hell he even shook my hand when I first met em, haha.
So yeah...I dunno what else to say...I like em, and i hope something becomes of all this, I really do.

I'm really not looking forward to going back to school...exams are right away, I have like next to none of them, but still...I'd rather have no school period. Man...gym is seriously gunna be SO painful this upcomming semester...like i havent worked out or ran or done SHIT in like...a year...lol...yes, in a yyear...since the first semester of last year! thats insane...I'm straightup going to die.

Well...I think i might just have to go back to sleep now, I was up watching Lauren and Linsday while my mom went to the Dr. since 10...and Im pretty tired...so i might just doze off.

Everyone keep their fingers crossed for me...can't be single forever...right?


heeeeello John, haha [Saturday, December 24th, 2005 2:26pm]
[ mood | loved ]

well i havent updated in a while and got nothing better to do...so here it goes

jen's in the city. I saw her last night, slept at her house to be exact. You see it all started...

I had plans to go to the movies with this John guy, whom by the way is gorgeous, haha. So he came n picked me up because that was the only way it was going to happen, if he could drive me...he wouldnt just let me take the bus, lol. So he came and picked me up and weirdly enough it wasnt awkward at all...but anyways, so we went to the movies, saw the Johnny Cash movie, Walking The Line. It was good, but very depressing...but hey, what can you expect? lol. And ofcourse he just HAD to pay for my ticket...he seriously wouldnt let me, cuz i tried a few times...but yeah, so then i called up Amber like i said i would and we went to Dre's place cuz he was having a party. So we went there and there were quite a few ppl there. So i introduced him to some people and i introduced him to Mel as a babe so then she goes around introducing him as a babe hahaha. Drunken Melissa...what a girl. So yeah, everyone was really nice n shit, so thats good. So we were there for a few minutes, had a smoke. Said hi to some people. But then i dunno...i just felt kinda akward cuz i didnt wanna make him be there when he doesnt know everyone n everyone's drunk but him and yeah...so I said lets go to jen's place. ((sorry to leave you amber :P))

So we went to Jen's place and i went upstairs and said hi to Billy and Lynn and Billy says "where's my hug" and man...i thought they drugged him or something, haha...cuz usually we're just insulting eachother. So then he says "Pappa ((jens grampa)) always gets one, where's mine?" so then he got up and gave me a hug...lol. Then Lynn says "you know...out of all of Jen's friends and Randy's friends and all of em...you're the only one he hugs". haha...good ol' Billy.

So we were hangin out downstairs and then I went upstairs to get some water and then I came back downstairs and he had sprawled himself across the couch so i just lifted his feet, sat down n then he used me as a foot rest. So we continued to just chill n watch some TV. Then he rolled Jen a joint out of like 6 roaches and Jen wanted to go to McDicks. So we were putting on our shoes and Jen went to tell her Mom so he sorta pulled me in a bit and then hes like "cmon i gotta make a move" and he kissed me. So then we went to McDonalds and we only had 15 minutes so hes like "you just made my day...i love to drive fast". which i must say, he does...but hes very good at it. So we went to the McDicks drive-thru and he was gunna pay for that too...but i won that one, muahahaha. So we took our food and went back to Jen's place and ate our wonderful, greasy foods.
So then Jen lit up a smoke but she had to go upstairs for something so she gave the smoke to me and i took two puffs and then he says "you should put that smoke down"
me: why...?
him: because if you weren't smoking it I'd be kissing you right now
So i put the smoke down, but then Jen was comming downstairs so he just moved me closer so we were lying together. i was pretty much lying on his stomach and in between his legs...lol, hard to explain, but if you saw you'd kno exactly what i meant. So we just layed there and watched TV and he had his arms around me or he was running them over my stomach n stuff. I havent lyed with someone like that in forever...and i gotta say, it was really nice. So we just chilled n watched TV. He tried to go down my pants but i stopped em and then said "I really cant." cuz well, Aunt flow was with us...haha. So he backed off. So then i attempted to do something for him but my pants werent the only tight ones...well his werent tight but the way he was sitting they were, veeeeeeery awkward to have a hand down there with everything else, haha...hard to move. So i just stopped. And then Jen fell asleep so he went n turned out the lights and we started making out n stuff and then he tried for the pants again but didnt get tooooooooooooo far, lol. A bit farther yes...but hey, that was his desicion, not mine, lol. And then once that calmed down a bit we were lying there kissing and I asked him if thats why he wanted to do something...for what we were doing. So he said something along the lines of "you want to know if im using you? no im not using you, if i just wanted this I would have gone to the bar and picked up some slut and would be back at my place right now." and that he's there cuz he likes me, not because he wants that. It was kinda sweet though...like we'd just lay there n look at eachother...and then a kiss here and a kiss there...I dunno, it was just nice.

This was about 3 in the morning now, lol. And i had to get him to leave...which sucked. Cuz he was trying to convince me to help him out because man...his pants were buldging if ya kno what i mean. But he really had to go...so that went on for like an hour...me telling him he had to leave and him saying "Yeah right away" and then kisses me. But one time i finally got him up and then he started kissing me and then sat down again and then his jacket was off again...lol. So like an hour later he left...I feel bad...cuz well, not like i wanted em to go...but i really cant get jen in trouble, she has enough shit goin' on with her rents and her mom would have shit enough bricks to build a school.

It was a really nice night...except for that little end thing. Like, when someone says that it sucks that you wont do it n all that kinda stuff...it really doesnt make you wanna do it just so they wont be mad. That's not a good form of Drive for someone...like come on. But then again he had this other thing going on and he claims it put him in a bad mood.

But i really did have a good night. He's an awesome person and talk about bloody fucking ridiculously gorgeous. haha. So lets see, he's gorgeous, funny, sweet, and talented sexually...where can ya go wrong? lol. I dunno what the hell he was doing, some sort of kissing/biting thing on my neck and man...if I wasnt swimming in the red river ((again, if you know what i mean...)) then i would have been like...pregnant right now. Haha, kidding...but man it felt awesome, so yeah.

I dunno...i just dont understand why he'd spent all this time talking to me like all late night/early morning on msn and then txting for a good chunk of the day...and trying to spend the night at jens with me ((he asked...lol)). Like he's so gorgeous...and he's been single for over a year as well...and it's supposedly been a long time since "you know". I just dont understand why...this kid seems so amazing i dont even understand how i got this far with em.

But yeah, we're supposed to do something again, hopefully before the X-mas Holidays are over. definatley hopefully


[Tuesday, December 6th, 2005 3:29pm]
[ mood | indescribably shitty ]

Atreyu is comming to town for the Taste of Chaos tour...i do not have the money to go, nor will my parents lend me the money to go. I really feel...fucking everything. Mad, sad, angry, depressed...but i guess those mostly come from the same emotion...not good. Money's too tight to lend me the money, especially considering it's christmas...and i have no other way of getting money because well i need the money i have to buy christmas presents. So im not going i guess...

wow...day = ruined

on another note...its time for another one of annes opinions no one cares to hear. Have you ever realized, Santa Claus is like the biggest conspiracy ever? Like so many people tell their kids about "santa" and how he brings the presents and lives in the north pole, etc. etc. its like the biggest hoax/lie of all time man...and its still going. How crazy is that...half the magic of christmas is based on a lie, funny.

status of day = still ruined

***EDIT = I AM FUCKING GOING!!!!!!!!!***


[Sunday, November 20th, 2005 1:23pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

I feel like i've been living inside my head this weekend. Like the basis of everything ive done has been alone, in this very room...going on inside my very own mind. All by myself. So many thoughts have come and gone, it's insane. I really have no clue what i'm doing anymore. Like I so badly want to be everything he wants, and i can...i have all these idea's that would "wow" him and it'd be great. but at the same time...im not with him, and he's probly doing the same thing with how many chicks? So i want to, but at the same time i just wanna say NO and scream it in his face. I know that's a bit over dramatic...but it really would be amazing to be able to scream at him, haha. He'd definatley wanna hear me scream, but not in that sense, hahaha. I dunno...but this's stressing me out intensely for some reason.

Think of yourself a few years ago...and what you pictured yourself being in the future at this age. Depressing isnt it? I really didn't expect this...ive changed alot. some say for the better, some don't say anything...cuz well, i've grown apart from them.

Me, Mel, Rach, Kate, n Betty had the biggest bitch fest ever last night at Mel's auntie's place...we got there at like 7:30-8 and full throttle on till 12 bitched non-stop about everything. The fact that the group is very different/growing apart came up. and Kate said it cant be helped, well that's complete bullshit. Yes, the things that have happened cannot be taken back, the people that are gone cannot be broughten back...but it can be changed. But no...that's highschool for you. Drama, Drama, Drama...fuck it.

fuck all the bullshit...fuck all the chicks and their stupid reasons for hating people and they're stupid fucking everything...fuck all the guys and they're shitty personalities when it comes to being sincere...fuck all the groups and their dumbass rivalries...fuck those of my friends that are backstabbers...fuck those of my friends that aren't really friends in the first place...fuck those stupid assholes that think they're the shit. I do not care what any of you think of me, what you think...aint gunna change me, get over it.

sorry that just came to me, so i decided i might as well. Back to the matter i was speaking of in the first place. It's just that, i wanna be doing this with someone im actually with, someone that actually cares...so no, i dont have to hold back. because i do hold back alot because there's things i would have rather done first with someone im with...i dont regret that i didnt, but i know i would be alot more *full throttle* if i was with the kid. because then its like, this's for us. Instead of it being for him and me ((There's a difference...it's kinda metaphorical i guess, but think about it...you'll get it)).

I laid in bed for like...an hour thinking this all over, and then i come here to get it all out and i can't think of anything. I had the most brilliant point's ever earlier...damn.

i am so lost...i know what i want, i know what i love doing, i just dont know how to get both or what to do period...as previously said, i am so lost..


he's beautiful, he's beautiful, he's beautiful...it's true [Friday, November 18th, 2005 11:49pm]
[ mood | heart troubled...or is it mind ]

i am so confused...Like, ah i dont even know how to explain it. Like man, i love hanging out with francois, i really do...and yes, i do love what we do...or i guess, how we are? i dont know, well you get the point ((this is my journal, if you dont like what you read...dont read it. kaapeesh?)). but anyways...it's just that, everytime we're together like "that", afterwards it reminds me, 'no, im not doing this with someone im actually with' and 'no, im still not with anyone' ((it's been a year since i've had a relationship...exactly a year December 23rd, lol...i just remember that cuz i remember this same person asked me out to the movies for christmas eve)). And it kinda depresses me. But like...there's no one out there that i know that i do have feelings for...besides one person. There's no one out there that likes the things i do and acts as crazy, if not crazier than i do...besides one person. There's no one out there that's completely open minded and just..."out there", like i am...besides one person.

And that one person doesn't feel anything for me in that sense. They really hate being single and dont think anyone's out there though...but like, if i say "hey, im over here"...it could change what we are right now...and if that's as far as its ever gunna go...i just wanna know that, like truely know. So i can be cool with that. Or i want to know something more caaaaaaan happen, even a chance of it happening. But i dont really wanna risk what we are now...for something that's probably all only my feelings.

This's gunna sound corny but i just dont understand how someone that i connect with so well...cant connect with me. I've seriously never connected with a person that quickly, that turns into this and just to this extent. Which's why im still holding on to this stupid last thread that keeps dangling infront of me. Like this kid just brings out this side of me that no one ive ever known has had the "power" to do. It's not that im a different person around him...im completely myself but i do more, im open to more things, i dunno...in a weird way he's taught me alot and i admire him so much.

I just don't know how to bring this all up without him thinking "okay she's feeling too much for this to be right" if he does feel nothing and wants to stay the way we are...which's probably how it is. cuz im seriously just not that lucky and man he could do so much better. But i really do wanna just know...can there be anything more? Like does he actually see a possibility of something in the future...or is this what we are for good.

I realize that this's the age where chicks go nuts and think they're in love with everyone. But i've had one serious relationship. I dont date unless i really do care about the person. And that's why it's hard to just completely give up...because no, i don't feel like this about many people...ever. ask anyone that knows me.

"I don't wanna spend another night, trying to figure why you are always on my mind"


[Monday, November 14th, 2005 3:00pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

well i wrote dave an e-mail...bout how shitty things are...it went a lil something like thisCollapse )
so then he wrote back...and it went a lil something like thisCollapse )

and man...i dont know why...but i feel like complete shit. like did it honestly have to take him giving up for me to realize i actually do care or am i just havin troubles letting go of things. That's the really sad part...I had already let go...so im pretty sure its not that. And that's gotta be the worst time to realize it ever. All i know is i dont feel good now and i feel really down...and there's nothing i can really do to fix it...


Anorexic Satan [Monday, November 7th, 2005 10:02pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

Last Christmas
my parents bought me a new set of pencil crayons
to replace my old used up ones.
so once again i had a yellow
one that didnt run brown.
and a brown
one that didnt run purple.

Although I had become accustomed to that purple
the shade, intensity, and hue.
as stupid as it may be
it had a special place inside of me.

Just like my new purple.
Although this special place
isnt from any form of being accustomed to
not even any form of comfort.

You see
this purple has a special place inside of me
but it does not reside in my heart.
this special place
comes from the surge of degrading power
i get from pressing it
pushing it
ramming it
against the back of my fleshy

A feeling only the devil himself could bring
Then again
who is Satan
what is Satan
Satan is the evil in us
we create a Satan in our minds
an excuse for those unrighteous acts
those we choose to make despite our knowledge.

this little purple pencil
is Satan.

My Satan.

©-Anne Walker


beginning of the end [Sunday, November 6th, 2005 12:33am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

these days i feel like no one thinks i can help them. Everyone used to talk to me bout their shit...nowadays...no one really. i feel really useless, i mean if i cant help the ones i love the most whats the point?
Like people tell me what's going on and then they say "hey hun can you do me a favour?" and im all ready for it, ready to help. and they ask me to call someone else to get them to come on...so they can help them or talk to them or whatever they need...I feel like a little kid on a football team "Send me in coach! cmon! i can do it!" and there's no one else left on the bench but me...but coach still manages to find someone else to play.

there's so much drama going on right now its driving me insane...friends making out with friend's ex's when they're drunk so they get mad, they apologize...then do it again a week later.
Friend's going for best friend's ex boyfriend of a long time. longest relationship out of anyone in the group.
friends completely wrapping her entire life and time up on one guy, forgetting about her friends to the point of possibly switching schools.

jesus christ man...if this one last thing happens thats going on right now...our group has officially started the beginning of the end as far as our group of chick's goes. This is the point of proof of whether dudes, alcohol and drugs are more important to alot of my friends than friendships are...wish me luck, this might just be the point of breakdown


Forever and Always...even if we aren't [Sunday, October 23rd, 2005 12:12am]
[ mood | crushed ]

I'll Miss you forever. I'll miss you always...goodbye is so hard but I'll say it anywaysCollapse )


[Friday, October 21st, 2005 2:53pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

wow it's been a super long time since my last actual life-ly update. Well lets see...first comes first...I went to the System of a Down concert in September and it was purely orgasmic goodness. I will never get over it..ever. The Mars Volta played The Widow really well as well. but SOAD was the king of all kings that night, brilliant performers. Truely amazing.
School's been going okay i guess, pretty easy. Started drivers ed, its pretty damn boring. Boring indeed.
Collin moved into the city, it's been pretty cool having him around. His friend Braden came to live with him for a while, he had bright blue hair when i first met him, its black now. but yeah...he was cool but then started complaining with every second breath and it just got way too old. Chilled with collin alot for a while, just saw him last night. he came to the Piper hockey game at civic centre, it was a blast. I got a piggyback all the way to my seat in the arena, lol. Then we went to rach's and the girls all mixed their drinks and it took FOREVER cuz ofcourse ppl had to straighten their hair, do makeup, god knows what...so me, mel, n collin got our shoes on then yelled "We're going to stefans!" and bolted for the car and took off as they all ran to the window. that was funny shit. So then we get to stefans and they want us to go pick them up. Well for those of you that don't know...it's like a block away...a 3 minute walk...like COME ON! So we went back and got them. Then went to stefans and drank. I didnt drink much, had too much on my mind n i knew if i did it would all get to me cuz i'd think too much cuz i was just sitting there doing nothing because it was extremely boring. So i asked collin if he wanted to leave, he said yes...i asked if he wanted to go for a cruise or go do something, he said yes...so we're going, then ofcourse britt has to come. Like FUCK MAN! I wanted to go do something fun...not cruise around for 10 minutes ((she wanted to be back in 10)) and then come back and do more nothing...I wanted to go do something else and i also wanted to talk to collin about something. BUT NO! OFCOURSE NOT! She just HAD to come, no one asked me...and then we get in the car and Collin says "so i'll go drop you off now".

So here's a re-cap, he's as bored as i am...he wants to leave so i ask if he wants to go do something, so we leave and then britt wants to come so he goes and drops me off RIGHT AWAY.

THEN! THEN! He goes BACK TO STEFANS! AND GETS THE REST OF THE GIRLS! AND GOES AND DOES SOMETHING WITH THEM ALL!!!!So he goes back to stefans, gets the rest of the girls and then goes and does with them what the point of leaving with me was to do...after ditching me...

like wow...

I was having alot of fun at the game, he was really fun to have around...but i am so mad right now its not even funny. There's so much shit going on this was the end of the rope. I love collin but that was just fucking...fucktarded of him beyond belief.

I finally got to see francois in a kilt, muahaha. lol, it was definatley hot. I had to run something to little lauren's house and she says to her mom "mommy i didnt know men could wear skirts!". lol. that kids hilarious...well the both of them.

I wanna go to the Staind concert, my rents said they'd loan me the $...now they're talking a different story...so i got know clue if i'll even end up getting to go. Jeff, Marc, and Boda are all going to the SlipKnoT concert...well going down to mineapolis to see it. lucky bastards. Jeff says they're commin home in a body bag, lol. what a guy.

Well this was a really good way to get everything out...i needed to update anyways, i know how important it is to you all *raises eyebrow* lol. I'll keep ya posted on the collin arguement but thats all for now


[Sunday, October 16th, 2005 10:36pm]
There's 10,000 reasons to survive
But you only needed one to die
It's too late to change what you've become
I won't always be this lonely

The way you lived your life, it mezmerizes me
Now won't you take some time to cast out your regrets
Why did you leave our lives, it mezmerizes me
So won't you take the time to cast out your regrets

I hear the creaking through the door
I see you seeping through the floor
It's not easy, asking you to leave
Cuz you'll always be the only

Everyone should check out the song, The Way You Lived by CKY...its really amazing, and just gets to me

The Cycle of a Young Smoker ((version 1 &2)) [Sunday, September 18th, 2005 11:53pm]
When you're a smoker, your first thought is where that next drag is comming from. How good the smoke feels filling your lungs and that sigh of relief that replaces a normal exhale.
Then it finally hits you, you ARE a smoker. When you started you never labelled yourself a smoker, had everyone convinced you werent gunna smoke for long. Hell you said it so much you started to believe it yourself.
Slowly but surely it grows, a drag here and there to a smoke a day. The next thing you know you're buying a pack now and then, then every week, every few days. Eventually you're find yourself smokin a pack a day, more if possible.
Then one day as you're stepping on the smoking filter of your last cigarette it all hits you, heavy and hard. You start to notice the little things, how your fingernails have turned yellow, how your hair smells of smoke, and how you've attained that permanent aftertaste of Export A Blues or Number 7s or whatever it was you happened to be smoking that day.
Smoking becomes who you are, everything you do you've got a smoke in your hand. Your thoughts become based on where the next pack's comming from, how you're gunna get your fix. It engulfs your entire body in a sickly smell.
You gain a fetish of looking at the warning labels on packs, staring into the black lungs. Imagining how it's all going on inside of you. Even your insides wreak, you cant tell but you just know it. Even your piss starts to smell of nicotine and chemicals and you get a nauseating feeling as you watch it swirl around the bowl and be flushed away.
If it was only that easy, just a quick push of the button and it all gets flushed away. Maybe then, you could be yourself again...get back your life, maybe even revive the life that has been overcome by cravings and fiending if needed. Just...anything to stop this slow revolting death and try to re-cooperate a life for yourself.


Ever since I started smoking, my first thought is where that next drag is comming from. How good the smoke feels filling my lungs and that sigh of relief that replaces a normal exhale.
Then it finally hit me, I AM a smoker. When I started I never labelled myself a smoker, had everyone convinced I wasnt gunna do it for long. Hell, said it so much I started to believe it myself.
Slowly but surely it grew, a drag here and there becomes a full smoke. The next thing you know that smoke has become a pack. Eventually I found myself smokin a pack a day, more if they were around.
Then one day as I was stepping on the smoking filter of my last cigarette it all hit me, heavy and hard. I started to notice the little things, how my fingernails had turned yellow, how my hair smelt of smoke, and how I'd attained that permanent aftertaste of Export Blues or golds or whatever it was I happened to be smoking that day.
Smoking became who i was, everything I did I had a smoke in my hand. My thoughts became based on where the next pack was comming from, how I'm gunna get my fix. It engulfed my entire body in a sickly smell.
I started to gain a fetish of looking at the warning labels on packs, staring into the black lungs. Imagining how it's all going on inside me. Even my insides wreaked, I obviously couldn't smell my insides but I just knew. Call me paranoid if you want but I could just tell. Even my piss started to smell of nicotine and chemicals and I got a nauseating feeling as I watched it swirl around the bowl and be flushed away.
If it was only that easy, just a quick push of the button and it all gets flushed away. Maybe then, I could have grown up the way I was supposed to...gotten my life back, maybe even just revived the one that had been overcome by cravings and fiending. If it was only that easy to just...quit.

[Saturday, September 10th, 2005 1:32pm]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]



[Thursday, September 8th, 2005 12:07am]
[ mood | loved ]

This kid is seriously adorable...Oh shit i havent updated in forever, okay so i've been talking to this Craig guy. He's fuckin smokin', wooh wooh! but anyways, lol hes also SUPER sweet. like without a doubt.
So anyways, he said he liked me...and i mean, everyone says that on the net, lol...so i didnt really pay much attention to it, but then i was talking to his friends n they mentioned they couldnt tell craig how they tell me they want me cuz he'd get mad cuz he likes me so much. And i started talkign to this Jenn chick who seems cool, turns out shes friends with craig as well and we were talking before we knew we were actually connected that way. Lol. Like he actually talks to his friends bout me n stuff. and then there was some other turning points that made me believe it. But yeah, how awesome is that, sexy and sweet =).

So we were talking the other day and i came up with his display name on msn, its "Property of Anne" ((hehehe))...so after he did that i was trying to get him to help me come up with something but it seemed like he was looking too hard so he cudnt think of anything u know. So i decided to ask a question and put that answer in. So i asked him : "If you could only say one last thing to me ever again what would it be?"
he replied: "I'm sorry, but I Love You. That's what it would be"
I thought that was soooooo sweet...lol. So then 2nite again i was trying to get him to help so i asked him another question, i said: "Okay...umm...finish these sentences off with like what you want but for me:
She'll Always Be...
If I Could I Would...
I Like...
I Wish..."

he replied: " she'll always be beautiful. if i could i would hold her forever. i like her eyes. i wish she was here with me."

Francois got a new tattoo, its a celtic key...its super hott. On his left calf if im not mistaken he told me. Anyways, yeah it's super awesome. I dunno if he's moving or not...well i dunno if hes moving soon i guess, i dont think so...hes got his SOAD concert and then Battle of the Bands, and hes got football and that sorta stuff...but who knows. He's always on the go! lol. He seemed alot better when i talked to him today...which is so awesome. I'm very happy for him, well atleast for that aspect of things.

What else is there to say? School sucks already...gunna be a long year, lol. And it's only the 2nd day...ahhh. Well Friday I'm going to TFK with Breanna, which shud be a cool concert.

I think thats a good enough update for now. Later


[Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005 3:09am]
francois is moving...

another thing added onto my sadness tonight

[Sunday, August 21st, 2005 1:05am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

i just read this and i thought how true is this man?

Once you enter high school things change.
Your best friend becomes a [b i t c h]
your boyfriend becomes a [p r i c k]
homework goes in the [t r a s h]
cell phones are being used in [c l a s s]
detentions becomes [s u s p e n t i o n]
soda becomes [b e e r]
gum becomes [p o t]
bikes becomes [c a r s]
lollipops becomes [c i g a r e t t e s]
lip gloss becomes [m a k e u p]
French kissing becomes [s e x]
Yeah high school does change everybody.

like seriously...that's pretty much it, except well my best friend's not a bit...and i do still enjoy lollipops. But wow, so very true...which is also very sad all at the same time.

I'm in a very contemplative mood as you can tell by my little mood dude up top there. The weather channel was on at Stefans and it said "visibility - 24km". Like honestly, how would someone figure that out? Have one guy stand at a certain point and then the other run and run until the first guy cant see him? Like honestly...that's alot of running. And to do it like every morning? or well everytime the weather changes? I don't think so. But i did find it an amusing thought, lol.

I talked to Jen today...her friend Matt went skydiving, so i was all goin on bout how awesome that is so she jokingly asked if i would and i flipped and ofcourse said yes so she's taking me with her friend next time he goes. You just have to pay, take an hour course and boom...you're falling through the air plumeting towards a very messy death.

Dave's just confusing me right now...he wants to give things another shot or something to that effect, we had an intense round of questions the other night...hmm...i dont know where this is going.

Today is Breanna's birthday, well...it was an hour and 12 minutes ago. Another day in Breanna history, lol. We're going to the TFK concert on Sept. 9th. First Friday of school...ouch, but a nice lift at the end of the week if i do say so myself.

I am blabbering...I know. I am tired and zombie-ish...good day sir.


[Monday, August 1st, 2005 12:00am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Tonight I...

Confessed My Love For Marilyn MansonCollapse )
Tryed On My Newly Finished ShirtCollapse )
Did some new makeup...but you cant really see it on camCollapse )


Missed me, missed me, now you gotta kiss me [Sunday, July 31st, 2005 9:40pm]
[ mood | surprised ]

Man that storm last night was intense! I was at kates place...it starts raining, lightening and thundering...so ofcourse us being us, we throw on some bathing suits...well she did, i threw on a top...n yeah, i had on normal underwear, not a thong no worries. But anyways, so we went outside...she jumped in her pool, i put my legs in and it was FREEZING...so then we got out and we went downstairs and all of a sudden a big *POW!* and a massive flash of lightening and the power went out...you see, from the noise and where it seemed to be comming from, we're pretty sure it hit the pool...RIGHT after we got out.

Lol, a wonderfully weird near death experience. I love near death experiences, its like saying "FUCK YOU GOD!".

Stupid to go swimming during a storm i know...but a good night none the less.


wooh, coppers [Thursday, July 28th, 2005 5:08pm]
[ mood | shocked ]

Okay...this is one of those entries that you keep to yourself when you read, got it?

Okay, well Tuesday I was gunna go to the movies with amber, dave, and one of his friends and then i was gunna meet Francois after the movie cuz he'd just be getting off work at that time n he was gunna come back to the house to hang out....So then my day started going downhill...dave had to work....so just me n amber went, which was fine, just u kno screwing up of the plans, then the movie Fantastic 4 sucked...then francois had to work longer...so he couldnt come over...so me and amber went and met up with some people after the movie and it was the most boringest night ever...We just trudged through mosquito filled fields to meet up with ppl then back through them again to go meet up with other ones. Then sitting around doing nothing...so Ambers mom came and picked us up and drove me home. That was like...11:20. So then I went on msn, was on here for a while...then round 12 Francois started askin if i would wanna do something right then...and i really wanted to, lol...and then he also explained how he's going to edmonton so i wudnt be able to see em till next week...and then im supposed to be going to vancouver next week so it'd be like atleast 2 weeks before i'd get to see em. So i told my dad i was sleeping at Rachel's place and that she was comming to pick me up in a half hour. A half hour later i left and went n met Francois at the bus stop at the top of my street. I got into his car and he starts tickling my side, so im like "nonono!" lol cuz ah im so ticklish, so then he lad my finger with his pinky and was still overpowering me and making fun of the fact so i gave up, lol. So then we went driving around...doing nothing, then we ended up driving down this biiiiiiiiig long road that was beside the bush at the end of Buchanan where it meets Saskatchewan, just on the other side of the train tracks. It leads up to something but the gates close at a certain time...twas a dead end so then we turned around and hes like: so wat do you wanna do?
me: i dunno..you come up with something and we'll do it, alright?
him: umm, park and fuck you like crazy
me: alright
So then he stops the car and looks over...so im like: you werent kidding *raises eyebrow*
him: I never kid
so yeah...that led to the backseat, haha...which led to a good time...a very very good time. I think it was cody that told me they read the karma sutra book of love? well so did he, lol. So anyways, it was quite a good time...we kissed, we fucked, we sucked, we had a good time...haha...so about an hour later, guess who rolls up...none other than the cops. hahaha...So francois quickly threw his clothes on and then went to the front seat and then threw back my pants and shirt. So yeah...the cop walked up to the window so francois's like: i guess you want us outta here?
cop: well are you guys okay?
francois: oh  yeah! *laughs*
cop: oh, what are you doing?
francois: um, just having a little fun
*cops burst out laughing*
So then the cops told francois his van was suspended but if he drove it home n didnt drive it till he got it worked out then they'd let em go. So yeah, we left...and the whole ride over to my friends place we were just laughing and laughing. I was just sitting there going "wow...Adventures with Francois", lol. Just before that hes like "well that sucks..."
me: why, was francois having fun?
him: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
haha, it was quite funny...so then i went to rachels place...walk into her room, and im like: be right back...i have to use your washroom
So her and Betty gave me the weirdest look as if i was going to finish off something dirty in the washroom, haha...so i was like: nothing dirty, i just have to go put my underwear back on

and that was the exciting ending to my not so exciting day. Haha...isnt that insane? Man i cudnt believe that happened, but i knew it was one for the books...i had to put it down


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